what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
