i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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