brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
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