Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
