what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
