I want to have your abortion
fuck your aforementioned shoe
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Randomize
