I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
