MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
