When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
