i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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