She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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