He uses pillows to masturbate.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
