Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
