I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
