Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
