Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
