Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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