quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Let's get the cat blown out
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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