I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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