I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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