I wanna bring you to show and tell
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
