At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
