Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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