i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
