I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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