I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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