The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
