If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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