What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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