Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
