3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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