real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
