Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
