I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
