his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
