He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
