well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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