hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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