I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
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It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
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You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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