my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
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The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
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the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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