I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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