hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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