It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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