The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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