the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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