Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
you inspire me to be a worse person
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
