I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
organizing the empties. That sober.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
