i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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