tell your sister to shave her snatch
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
