Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
