I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
