If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
