I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
