I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
