I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
