if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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