the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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