Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
