Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
