I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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