I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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