you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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