I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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