He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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