Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
