Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
