I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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